


how to sleep alone

by constantblur



Series: 2018 Writing Challenges [11]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Adashicember, Epistolary, M/M, prompt: love letters, when u want to yell at ur ex but he's billions of miles away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 01:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16923726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constantblur/pseuds/constantblur
Summary: Takashi,Watched your ship launch today with that stupidly expensive bottle of cognac you were “saving for something special” and my middle finger in the air. Fuck you. Be safe.-AdamAdam copes with Shiro leaving by writing letters he’ll never send.





	how to sleep alone

**Author's Note:**

> trying to keep my writing brain from completely rotting and dying while i struggle with my wips so here i am attempting to do at least some of adashicember (and klancember). took what is technically the day 17 prompt “love letters” and uhhh ruined it.

Takashi,

Watched your ship launch today with that stupidly expensive bottle of cognac you were “saving for something special” and my middle finger in the air. Fuck you. Be safe.

-Adam

 

 

 

Hi Takashi,

What are you doing today?

I’m doing laundry and vacuuming every inch of this house. I’m flipping the mattress, buying new sheets, and finally getting remote-controlled shades on the windows because you’re not here to stop me, you goddamn dictator.

I am moving on.

-Adam

P.S. I’m going to get a Roomba too, just because I fucking can now.

 

 

 

Okay, so the Roomba was pretty useless. Happy? You were right about one thing. One. Thing.

 

 

 

Hello you absolute fucking walnut,

I don’t actually have anything to say, I just wanted to call you that. Must eavesdrop in the cafeteria more often for more of these golden insults. Thanks, kids.

 

 

 

What if you’re not okay out there? What if the doctors were wrong and it gets worse sooner than they thought? Don’t you ever fucking think, Takashi?

 

 

 

I mean, I’ve always hoped the doctors were wrong, but not that way.

 

 

 

You’re so fucking selfish. I’m so fucking selfish. Maybe we were terrible together and just couldn’t see it because we always want everything and we always want to be right. At least my definitions of “everything” and “right” included you, you asshole.

 

 

 

I was looking for a new coffee mug today and one of them said that cheesy as all hell “I love you to the moon and back” and I started laughing because it’s fucking hilarious, right?

I don’t know why I cried.

 

 

 

~~Yes I do.~~

~~It’s just the kind of thing you would’ve given me right before leaving for Kerberos. And I would’ve looked at you like, “You’re not as funny as you think you are,” and you would’ve just kept on laughing thinking you’re the cleverest little shit on earth.~~

Why the hell am I even still writing this stupid shit down.

 

 

 

Hey you walking fart cloud,

 

 

 

Takashi,

You’re such a stupid, selfish asshole. What, you just couldn’t let another chance for fame and glory slip by? You had the records, the medals, your name on the logs of prestigious missions. Wasn’t it enough? You’ve already made your mark in Garrison history. Why wasn’t it enough?

~~Why wasn’t I enough?~~

It’s more important for Takashi Shirogane to be remembered as a workaholic legend than to just live as a man, huh. You won’t be satisfied until they can fill a whole book with your heroics.

Fucking selfish bastard.

It should’ve been enough. You’ve made history, broken records, you got the stripes, jesus, YOU ALREADY HAD IT ALL.

It should’ve been enough to just want to spend whatever time left actually living. At home. With me. Maybe some cats.

Instead you want to live in a cockpit with two other men on a mission that’ll probably earn you little more than faster progression of a disease that’s already going to take you too soon, you dumbass.

Only years left and you so easily chose to spend one away from me. Like you never really wanted to spend it with me anyway.

Yeah, I’ve already said it before but I’ll say it again: I’m selfish too, fuck off. I wanted more time with you, how rude of me. I wanted to be enough for you. But my selfishness isn’t completely self-centered at least: I also wanted you to be able to live for more than the mission. I wanted you to live while you could still enjoy it fully.

I want you to live.

And you seem determined to put as much stress on yourself as possible to make it so you won’t.

What the fuck, Takashi. What the fuck. No one wants a self-destructive hero.

And I can’t watch you self-destruct.

Fuck you. I just wanted to be there for you. Why did you have to make it so hard? Why couldn’t you just let me be there? Why can’t you be here?

-Adam

 

 

 

I miss you when I’m cutting up an apple, when I open up all the windows, when I buy new soap. I miss you all the time. I hate you all the time.

 

 

 

Hello you insufferable little fuckwaffle,

 

 

 

I want to find someone to use, just to get you off my mind. I’ll blunt my grief with him. I’ll try not to call him your name when he says hello or when he’s sinking his fingers into my skin. I will try my best not to think of your laugh or the week in August at the cape, and I will not care that he doesn’t have a dimple in his left cheek. I will take off the ring. I should’ve taken it off a long time ago. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just another habit I have to break.

 

 

 

Is it so bad that I want to see you right now?

 

 

 

Hello you crusty dishrag,

 

 

 

Takashi,

Some nights I just lie awake remembering the way it felt to fall asleep with you. Your shoulder as my pillow, and you complaining that my eyelashes were tickling your neck. Your arms would tighten around me while you laughed. I breathed in happiness as I fell asleep.

Most nights aren’t like that, most nights I’m okay. It’s fine. It’s getting easier.

But those nights, I almost hear you breathing next to me, and sometimes I say your name out loud and then I remember, and it pushes on my chest until I can’t breathe, and I’m not okay. I miss you.

I miss you.

-Adam

 

 

 

I hope you stub your toe once every hour.

 

 

 

Your jacket doesn’t smell like you anymore.

 

 

 

Takashi,

Ending it like this hurts more, you know. Because I chose you over everything else, but you didn’t choose me. I shouldn’t be so angry and upset. I shouldn’t be so selfish. But I am.

I walked towards the cliff with my eyes wide open. I told you I would jump for you, Takashi. I wanted to. I just wanted to be there and hold your hand until we both hit the water. I knew what it meant, I knew I might get dragged under for a while, but you were worth it. But you left me sitting on the edge instead and it’s so much worse to be stuck here alone. Because I didn’t want you to be alone, Takashi. I don’t want you to be alone.

I don’t know which of us made the bigger mistake.

Do you want to fix it? Do I?

-Adam

 

 

 

Fuck, this is such a you coping mechanism. It fits right in with your “patience yields focus” shit: here I am, spilling myself out on paper in hopes that somewhere on the page, I’ll come back together.

~~How do you cope? Do you even need to? Do you ever lose focus? How do you sleep alone?~~

 

 

 

Hey you flaccid dildo,

 

 

 

Keith won’t even talk to me anymore. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t talk to anyone.

It’s hit him hard, I think. How many people he’s lost. How many people have walked out on him.

I’m no therapist, but it doesn’t exactly take a psych major to figure that one out, right, Takashi?

 

 

 

Some days I want to run outside and scream “I’m sorry” at the sky and hope my apologies will reach you.

Some days I’m stubborn and know it’s not my apology to give, and I strain my ears listening for your voice.

 

 

 

Hey you soggy cosmic wart,

 

 

 

Takashi,

It’s easier to just be angry with you. You’re not here. Being angry, hating you—letting you go. It’s easier.

But eventually anger fades, and I’m not stubborn enough to keep it here but I wish I was because now I’ve had to think about why you did what you did. I don’t want to make excuses for you. I just want to hate you. But I can’t because I know how your stupid brain works.

When I proposed to you, the first thing you said was, “Are you sure?”

How could you forget what I said?

I’m sorry it took me so long to see past my anger. But also: fuck you for still trying to make this decision for me. Every minute possible, Takashi. That’s what I said. I meant it. Fuck you for taking so many minutes away from me, from us.

I know you think you’re saving me. You wanted me angry, right? You wanted me to not wait for you. You wanted me to not be around to see you die.

Well, fuck you. I’m not giving you what you want. I’m tired of it being about what you want. I am going to wait for you. I’m going to be here when you get home. I’m going to yell at you, probably a lot. And then I’m still going to be here. Every minute possible. I still mean it. I’m still sure, Takashi.

So come home to me, you unbelievable pain in the ass.

Love,  
Adam

**Author's Note:**

> CHOOSE YOUR ~~ADVENTURE~~ ANGST:
> 
> ENDING ONE: adam hears about the kerberos mission failure and the assumption that the crew—that shiro—is dead. he burns the letters. shiro never knows that adam still loved him and wanted to wait for him.
> 
> ENDING TWO: adam hears about the kerberos mission failure and puts all the letters in a box. once back on earth, shiro eventually musters up the strength to visit his home again. he finds the box. adam still loved him. adam was going to wait for him. but adam is dead.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/constantblur_)


End file.
